i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
