I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
