I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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