I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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