So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
