she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
