my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize