i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize