so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
