how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
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