I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
