I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
