paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
