He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
