On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
