I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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