Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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