Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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