My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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