The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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