Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
The power of my boobs compel you
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
