she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
We need a shit load of segways right now
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
