Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
