Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
