well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
