Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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