Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Be still, my beating vagina.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
