In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
