my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
