It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
