Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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