Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
