rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
