Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
