nut hugger
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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