Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
