You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
