I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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