Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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