Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
