I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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