Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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