well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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