He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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