The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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