your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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