I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
