if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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