i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
