I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize