you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
