Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
