i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
