Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
