I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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