How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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