I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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