I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
