how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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