Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
