you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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