the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
